Uggh the word that invokes some of the same feelings in me that the word ‘Volde…’, sorry ‘he who shall not be named’, does in Harry Potter world. The heady mix of genuine delight (less Harry Potter…) along with fear, sadness and anxiety.
I have mentioned before that most of my friends have children, in fact of my close friends there are only 3 of us (which includes me) who are not married or have children. I am genuinely excited when friends tell me their special news but no matter how much I am ok with the fact I have MRKH, made peace as much as I can with what that means etc etc, the pangs of sadness that follow that announcement I don’t think will ever go away certainly at least not until I have my own family, if at all.
The impending feeling that I will never have that (even though of course I can still have a family but everything is more dramatically enhanced when you feel low) and I’ll be left as a childless cat lady is a genuine fear that stops you in your tracks and it always seems to be those that have children that tell you that having a family ‘isn’t all it’s cracked up to be’. As helpful as you might think that is, and lovely that you are trying to make me feel better, it’s not, and attempting to sugar coat it doesn’t change it. I am fully accepting of the situation and sometimes I just feel sad. It’s ok to feel sad sometimes.
I wouldn’t change my relationship with my friends or their children for the world (I mean who doesn’t like being locked in a wendy house and having balls thrown at them by a 3 year old, for example?) but I am not ashamed to say that I have gone home after some announcements/encounters and had a little cry. That gets it out of my system and then I move on.
This morning though I woke up (at 4.15am) following a dream that I was pregnant.
What a shitty ‘dream’.
Now we all have weird dreams from time to time, often they are ones that we wake up and never remember but some wake us up in panic or fear like the recurring nightmare I have about someone being in my house when there absolutely isn’t yet at the age of nearly 33 the only way to get back to sleep is to put the light on.
But this was different, this was a dream that saw me happy and carefree (which I am) but with this very alien feeling baby bump. I have felt friends tummies when they have been pregnant and felt ‘baby’, ‘bean’ even ‘brian’, move and I was feeling those feelings inside me, then you wake up and you realize that yep its was the dream fairies playing tricks on you, like when they let you dream believe you were married to Ben Affleck.
I feel awkward around pregnant people more so than the children themselves, it’s odd. I can’t really explain it but something about this weird tummy stretching life giving bump that fills me with all kinds of weird tingles.
In part I am sure it is because I won’t have that, whatever route I choose to have a family it can’t be that one that is one certainty there. Those anxious 9 months of cooking makes that special little person(s), it’s a feeling that provides much warmth and comfort in some ways at the beauty and power of the human body but sadness for so many of us (MRKH or otherwise) who won’t ever get to experience it.
This may read like a total ‘woe is me’ post, and I suspect my minimal sleep may have added fuel to that thought, however it isn’t meant to be. I am sure we all have dreams that provide us with impossible situations that we wish were true regardless of who we are. I could spend a long time analyzing why those dream fairies were so cruel for example but it would probably just come back to say I was broody or that I think too much (or both)!
I don’t shy away from situations that challenge my feelings or emotions, if I did then it would be very boring life and we only have one of them and I intend to live it, but I have learnt, as time has gone on to be more tolerant of it. Life goes on and I can either move with it and use things like crazy weird dreams as something I forget completely and pass off as one of those fabricated thought processes of mine (and we all know how successful feeling blocking can be….) or use it to my advantage to make a plan for myself – easier said than done of course.
Maybe when I have had more sleep I will try that!